Category: Dating and Relationships
Well wonder how people can say they are"dating" online? I mean you could be thinking you are dealing with one person and find out the person is not what you thought much easier than if you met them in person, hey the hours you spend on msn or ehatever what a lot of timefor nothing? Just wondering how you all feel about long distance relationships via the net? To me it is something that has to go beyond the net or it is nothing.
Anthony
this topic has been picked over before, quite frequently. I'll just say then, that it takes one hell of a couple to do it and you can't have an online relationship at all, if you don't have plans to meet. Learned that the hard way myself.
I think you can meet someone online, but you'd best get to know them in person before you make it an official dating relationship. My boyfriend (PyroDemon on here) and I met online, although not on the Zone. We definitely spent time together in person before we started dating.
Hello all,
As it was said, it's been a topic discussed many times, but, it can work!
I know it does, I've seen it.
Sure, there are those that don't work, and there are those who will pretend they are something that they're not, but, the key is to hear their voice at least. I mean, they can be sitting there typing anything in front of another person on headphones or whatever... if they're with someone else... but if you have them on skype or ventrillo, or something, and you can hear what's going on in their background, it's a bit easier to know what's going on at their house, and if you're able to talk to them on the phone, that's even better.
Long-distance relationships aren't for everyone, but some people have met the love of their life online. It's hard to say who it's for and who it isn't for, but one thing is for sure, and that is, as it was said, meeting is crutial. If you don't have plans to meet... a goal to work toward... then.... it's pointless, for sure. Also though, you need a great deal more communication to make a long-distance to work. Communication and honesty. Determination, is also a big factor. If you know it won't work, and you've already got that in your head--why go on with it? There's absolutely no point after that.
Anyway, I'll shut up now. Enough of my rambling.
Amber
I've seen them work, and I've seen them crumble. As I've probably stated elsewhere on these boards, I think they can work, though you'd have to make plans to meet eventually. I kno that it takse a lot of honesty, and a lot of effort to make it work, but I've definitely seen some happy long lasting relationships come from the online world.
I didn't think I could ever be in a long distance relationship, but I was, and I wouldn't take that time/all the memories away for anything. We met. We flew back and forth for months, and it was wonderful. You have to truly love the person, and you have to trust without a doubt and you have to be honest so the other can trust you as well.
The chances of long distance relationships working out is very slim, unless you have plans enabling you and your partner to see each other.
The trust issue is another deal that comes to mind when this comes up to. I mean I can tell you how many times I've talked to people with these relationships worrying that their partner is cheating on them and all sorts of shit like that. If you don't trust relationships such as these then don't do them if your that insecure with yourself.
Another thing is that it is very painful knowing you can't be there for them to help them when they need you most. I've felt this pain before and it sucks, I mean the phone is alright in cases like these but it just ain't the same. I'm pretty sure most of you felt that pain before as well.
I agree with Maia and Meghan...
I've seen them work, and I've seen them not work. It takes effort and communication on both sides. If not, it doesn't work so well.
i think if you don't no the person personally but u know someone else who knows them, u might be in good shape.
Like a lot of you have said, I agree on the trust issue and honesty issue. It takes a lot of commitment and devotion to your partner. A lot of times it is not easy, because you can't be with each other. It makes it hard on both people. that's where the test comes in. If the person really trusts you or you trust the person. That's why strong comunication comes in. It's easier if you guys can see one another, but if you are far away, you must comunicate with your significant other. It's very important to talk about how the day is going and to talk to each other about what you have done, and of the acomplishments that you have achieved. i think it's how much time you devote and how much effert you put in to it.
agree royal princess,
long distant relationship can work it out yes, just depends on how much efferts that you both give, and i believe its pretty much on "give and take" bases too.
if one of the party feeling lack of faith on LDR, better not to try it.
online love is somehow fake to most of the people, but yet, there are some successful relationship too. still the same, don't try anything unless you are very sure with that person caractors, and it takes time to fully know a person. short can be months, long can be years.
yes, communication and trust is a problem, but what will be more important than true feeling and love before all these can be done?
cheers
I think the internet is a great way to meet people and to start a relationship, but if it remains long distance for too long, it probably isn't going to work. You have to meet, and if both of you really want things to work out, one of you is going to have to be willing to change your life and move to where the other one lives. It all depends on how badly you want the relationship to be permanent. I would never move - give up my job and established life - unless I was sure he was "Mr. Right."
I think in order for a long distance relationship to work you both have to make an effort and do what you can to make it survive. Calling, emailing, texting, on a daily basis. I'm not saying you have to do all of those but at least one of those every day should be enough. You also have to make plans to see each other as often as possible. And eventually someone is going to have to move because if it's real you won't want to be apart for that long anyways.
They can work, but the Internet relationship is only ever a means to an end. In order for it to be a success, there must be a meet, and it cannot run on long-distance for too long.
I know someone who recently got involved with a girl from America, and she is only into her second year of a college degree. They met this year, and things went really well, and she planned to shorten her degree programme so that she would end up over here in the UK by mid 2009 at the latest.
However, she has decided that she just can't do that because it means sacrificing her ambition to become a teacher, and so she isn't expected over here until nearly 2011 now.
This means they will be technically apart for another 4, nearly 5 years at least.
OK, so they can see each other during summer vacations, Christmas etc, but I think perhaps they're expecting way too much. I should imagine that being 100 percent faithful to each other for that length of time is going to be nearly impossible. After all, there's no way they can go that whole length of time without needing physical comfort when things get really difficult in their own personal lives right? And if the long-distance partner isn't there to offer that comfort, and won't be for another 4 months because they're busy studying at college and can't just drop everything and fly over, but someone else is, the temptation could be really difficult to resist.
I know some will say, but if they love each other enough, they should be able to resist any temptation, but I'm not sure I agree with that given the considerable length of time of the long-distance situation.
Is a voice on the phone, or words on the computer screen enough if you will both have to wait years rather than months to be together propperly?
Should such a long-distance relationship be an open one, where you just let fate take control?
If you both love each other, but simply cannot be together, at least for a few years, how can you handle that and remain sane?
What if there is an age gap as well? That's even worse!
I wonder what you all think.
Once again, I don't really feel there's anything else to be said after Matt's post. I totally agree. Saying that if you really love someone you'll do anything to make it work, including living apart from them for years with occasional meetings, is nice and commendable and all, but not always practical. Sometimes you just need that contact and comfort, and if they can't give it to you and someone else can, it's not likely that you're going to refuse it. Especially if that sort of relationship has been going on for years. I do think long-distance relationships can work, and have seen several occasions where they have, but only if the two people are really willing to try, and only if there's a definite plan to meet. If it just keeps stretching out and stretching out as a long-distance thing, it's pointless.
Mark and I knew we had to meet after we first started talking. It ended up being about a month after we'd been talking online and on the phone. I flew out to meet him for the first time, only intended to stay with him a week, and fly back to where I came from, but it didn't work out that way. I felt that I couldn't leave him so soon, so I extended my stay for another couple of weeks. Then, I just decided to screw it and just stay permanently. I moved to be where he was at the time because he had just moved a month before, and I didn't have anything tying me down anyway, so I could do it without any real issues. We only did the Internet relationship for about a month or so, but I really don't think I could have continued on for years and years. A year maybe, but not three or five ... It seems kind of pointless to reiterate what people have already said, but I do agree that honesty and communication are extremely important if you don't have any plans to meet right away. Oh, and it's definitely a team effort. You both have to want to make it work. *SMILE*
I know that not everybody is crazy and flies out to meet strangers after only a month of speaking to them online, so I'm very lucky Mark really turned out to be everything he said he was ... and more.
if you're in the same country then yeah you can JUST get away with it. However, if you're in sepperate countires and you're supposedly "dating" that's just crazy and let's not forget it's also gotta be "physical" ;)!
Well yes it can work. However, if one can't move then it's best to not continue the relationship and to remain friends.. After all, friends is better than nothing at all. Let me be the first to tell you that friendship is the best thing as love is
I personally think, that long distence relationships can work, provided the two people involved want it to. Yes, you do have to have plans to meet one day, and yes, it does have to go past being on the net. I mean, what's the point if it doesn't? If you fall in love with someone, you fall in love with them. It's a funny thing.
There is no such thing as an internet relationship. There can be a real relationship that got it's start on the net, but a purely internet relationship is no relationship at all. Sending each other recepies isn't enough. You need to cook for each other. Sending one another jokes isn't enough. You have to just be with each other and make one another laugh on the sper of the moment. Having syber sex isn't enough. You need to make love to them in person showing them how much you love and desire them with your own body. Typing condolences or words of comfort and support, even speaking them isn't enough. You need to hold them in your arms and stroke their hair while talking over their daily problems. Writing hugs at the end of an email isn't enough. You need to show up at their house unexpectedly and hug them when they open the door. Writing each other poetry or buying each other memberships to websites isn't enough. You need to pay for each other's meals, drop off little just-because gifts at their school or work or pick them a flower while you are out taking a walk. Leaving a sexy cell phone message isn't enough. You need to dress up, put on your favorit perfume and surprise them at home with a bottle of wine. Talking until two or three in the morning isn't enough. You need to sleep with them in your arms all night long, feeling them close to you. If plans to meet aren't solid and true then you aren't in a real relationship. When you meet, when you hold them for real, when you kiss them for real, when you can sit with them, talking one on one, with out either of you multitasking, making dinner while talking on a cell phone, or chatting on MSN while writing a research paper, for hours, when you can tell them that you love them, while holding their hand or listening to their heartbeat then you know it's for real.
It all depends on who you are and what you are like.
I've tried the long-distance thing several times and it just doesn't work for me. And I wouldn't move just for a prospective partner. And if I did and didn't like where I was living that would be a dealbreaker for me.
first make sure that you're ok for a long distance relationship. and not for long distance friends with benefits or about long distance one night stands. because I'm sure that won't work with long distance, in my opinion.
and true love, patiency, good communication, trust and both way interest. these are all the keys for making it to work. but I'm sure we can make it to work. as long as both are having confidence and mutual understandings. (give and take).
Raaj.
See that's the problem for me right there. THe most serious long-distance relationship for me, and I suppose it really can't be considered long-distance since we were only an hour away, lasted for more than a year. Then again we were both blind (well she's more visually impaired), so we couldn't drive and couldn't often afford the bus fare. And for most of that time we didn't know there was a cheaper transportation that would have enabled us to see each other more often. Anyway tt the end of it the girl got on one of those phone chat lines and met some other guy. She told me about it then dumped me a week later, went up to see him, slept with him, got pregnant with his kid, asked me back out a few weeks later, then found out she was pregnant a week or two later, begged me to adopt the kid if we ever got married and then dumped me again two days later. Needless to say, major trust issues for me as a result, ones I still haven't found a way to overcome even after five years. So if I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone only an hour or two away from me, the idea of a serious relationship of any kind other than a friendship is even more unthinkable. I've tried it a few times since then and it just didn't feel right to me. Even the relationship I'm in now feels like a long-distance one even though she probably lives less than five minutes from me. In fact I'm beginning to wonder...
Ok..
Long distance relationships are very complicted, but my say on them is if you put your time into what you want, you will get something out of it.
I've had many experiences with this, and you live and learn as you go
the can work but it depends on the situation
I've just discovered that they don't work for me.
You know, Bryan brings up a good point about long distance relationships. With a lot of blind teenagers going to schools for the blind, and being spread all across the state where they live, a lot of relationships are doomed for that reason as well. I should know. I basically live in the middle of nowhere, and I lived in the dorm in Overbrook. All my friends either live in Philadelphia or the surrounding area, and this posed a real problem where relationships were concerned. My last relationship was hard enough for various reasons, but not being able to see each other was pretty much what caused it to fail. I found out after nearly a year and a half of dating that he was cheating on me most of the time with his ex. I had a couple other less serious dead end relationships before that for the same reason except none of them cheated on me, it just wasn't meant to be because of the distance. My current boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year though, and even though he lives an hour away and there's no public transportation where I live, so I have to rely on other people, which makes me feel pathetic, we do see each other every few weeks and while I sometimes long for a "normal" relationship, and I won't lie, I have my doubts because of what happened before, this feels right, because my doubts are much less intense than they were in previous relationships. And that's where trust and communication come into play--you do have to trust the other person and believe they won't go looking for someone better, closer or whatever. I learned that over the course of this relationship, even though I know the distance causes most people I know to not take us seriously.
More to the point of what this thread was started for, though, I would never try an internet relationship. If I think what I'm doing now is hard, I can't imagine the prospect of someone in another state, let alone another country. I think if you don't spend much time together, if you don't build that physical bond, your feelings are bound to fade because then what's the difference between having them as a bf/gf or a friend? If it can work for others, that's great, but I know it wouldn't work for me personally.
That's exactly how I feel. I actually did try to have a relationship with a girl on the Zone, well two actually (though not at the same time), but it would have been nearly impossible to build the physical bond that's all but crucial for a more serious relationship. If we were lucky we might have been able to see each other every couple months or years depending on how quickly we were able to sock away some money for the air or bus or train fare or whatever transportation we used. One of them was down in Florida, and I don't know if that one would have worked out because she seemed, to me at least, to want me to live with her on SSI alone for my whole life, and that's not something I want to do. And as I'm sure I've said before, I'd also have to like the new setting I was planning to live in. That's one reason why it's highly unlikely that any woman, however special, could persuade me to move back to Oregon. As it is the relationship I'm currently in feels like a long-distance relationship because of the complications her x husband poses. We've only seen each other a few times over the past few months, with a couple months between visits, all because she's afraid her x will follow her to me. To be honest though I'm thinking of calling it off if things don't improve soon. It seems to me that there comes a point when it becomes riddiculous to hold out for someone if it doesn't appear that they're ever going to break out of their abusive situation. I realize it's not easy, especially for someone who's been abused as long as Angel was, but still.
well now.
in my entire life I've only lived off of long distant relationships (I've only had a brief close one once but then the program we were in ended and it became long distance).
I suppose there are some bad aspects of always having LD relationships. The reason I could never have a close one is because I go to a public school where I hardly have any friends, and I have a 1.5 mile long driveway so live away from society in the woods (in a log cabin) with a crazy neighbor who owns the 1000 acre property. Yes, you've read all that right. Mom works for her and we get free housing. It's a different story but it sucks to be away from everything and everyone.
I've had a few local girls try to go out with me, but we could only see each other during the school day (in history class), so in a sense it was long distance. She broke up with me by saing, "What if I'm sick? What if I really really need you and you can't come because obviously you can't drive and your family is against you dating girls?" so that ended.
The other relationships were long distance. One with a girl in Florida (sighted) living 975 miles away. We went out for 6 months - it was fine, accept that while I was more spiritual and did a lot more research in phillosophical matters, which often contradicted her viewpoints. Another girlie lived 100 miles away and she and I were good accept that we both were very young (I 14 she 12). My current girlfriend lives 175 miles away on the other side of Ohio, and we've been dating for 7 months now, or at least 7 months on December 30 at 10:25 AM, when I asked her out.
I do think commitment is important - if you can't keep up with talking than it'll faulter. For instance, me and my current sweetheart text every single second (during school I cal use Yahoo and fold down my screen of the laptop I use so nobody can see that I'm writing a quick message to her). Ok, don't put me on a guilt trip over that, because I know it's an unfair advantage over the sighted (which I hate) but they can also sneak-text which for the blind can be harder since our cell phones talk and thus are more noticeable.
So we text constantly. I think having a long distance relationship is good because it's really personality-based, though we've webcamed before. A relationship has to go very very deep - it's like a water you plunge into and if something doesn't click on a deeper level (like let's say viewpoints or life philosophies), the entire relationship can go poof, like the girl I was with from Florida. Most of the differences are resolvable, but there are just very deep ones which for me must match.
We also talk lots - though during the school week not as much than in times of breaks.
Well that's the thing. You're emotionally suited to that kind of relationship. But a lot of people aren't. I'm one of them. I've tried enough of them to know that. But for those that are, well more power to them.
i've tryed those. also. but i'mnot goingto give up. i'm going to make it. work smiles.
I agree. Go for it if its what you want. Smiles back.
A rabbi in Tampa named Richard Birnholz penned an article for a Jewish newspaper some years back. The article I could tell from the title was in praise of marriages where the couple met online, and I thought "What a crock of bs" until I read what he had to say.
He was something of a proponent of such relationships because these individuals were getting acquainted NOT through superficial characteristics, like the size of her bosoms or his wallet, but shared ideas, goals, values. When they met in person, they already knew they were compatible through "clicking" online, and the physical attraction followed. I used to feel an infatuation for an online friend from India, but our having no intention of moving close together & eventually losing touch fizzled the relation. Eventually you have to meet in person to click or fail to connect, whichever is meant for the relationship to be, and if it's REALLY long distance relocate to see if your relationship will withstand the test of time. I say date for a year before deciding to marry.
I couldn't agree more.
Yep. lond distence. does work!! never give up... you never know.... you mite find mr. right....
Hello all,
I didn't participate in the past discussions of this topic, so I thought I'd throw in my two cents. It has a bit of personal experience, so I hope people will bear with me.
I do believe LDRs can work. But it takes two people extremely dedicated.
I've tried two LDRs. Well, I can't call them relationships in truth. They never got that far.
In my opinion, the worst part about long-distance dating is that, as I said, if the two people aren't totally with each other to do what they can to make it work, it won't work.
Case in point is myself. The two guys I met on a dating website lived 7,000 miles away. Both of them wound up giving me attention only when it was convenient, they remembered or it just plain suited them. I got all the excuses for the lack of contact. Work was crazy. I was just tired. I do like you, but this week has been crazy and so give me a couple of weeks to recharge the batteries.
I didn't deserve to be treated this way, and anyone else getting this kind of lackluster attention doesn't either. I don't feel mad at these guys, but I am disappointed in them. Disappointed that people would be so callus as to treat another human being that way.
I may not be hopeful anymore about myself, but anyone here in an LDR and who really believes in it, good for you and I wish you the best. (smile)
To the last poster, that must have been hard. But that's the thing about long distance relationships, how can you build up a chemistry through a computer screen? I realize that chemistry can be built in other ways, especially when you can't see, but really that doesn't matter because just being in close proximity will create that same feeling if it's meant to be, whether it's from the guy's scent, his voice, or something else about him that you just can't explain.
I'm sure it'd be hard but it can work out if both are sincere, honest, having patiency and with true love.
We may not be knowing as our neighbour is also a fake so.
Raaj
when someone is only a screenname, you never know what kind of line they're feeding you. Sure, they can fool you even if you meet, but being only an online intity, there's a hell of a lot more to play with.
Online relationships can work and do work, I have seen them work and had one that nearly did (She turned into a psycho hose beast in person) you have to spend a lot of time with these people, either on messengers or voice chat and really get to know them.
I suppose if you're so lonely and isolated in the real world that you've turned to the internet for romance, something is better than nothing.
Having dabbled in long-distance relationships years ago and having friends who are doing such now - some met online, some met in the real world and live apart - it's a a challenge because you can't build shared experiences, routine and intimacy.
Being in a long distant relationship right now me living in fl and my bf in DC it can be tough yes. I definitely think though that they work as long as you both are completely honest and know you have a plan in place for you to hopefully be together in the near future. I have seen many online couples meet and fall fast then after years of being apart someone can not do it an hearts get shattered.
Hmm, i'm sorry.. I just read post 1 and skipped directly to a response
I have to disagree with his outlook of long distance relationships.. What does being there have anything to do with how a relationship is monitored? I know girls who/ guys who are so (cough cough) psycho, that they will call every single minute of every day that they are with the person, in fact I know many people who hav caught their partners cheating, just because you are dating someone via long distance does not mean you are unable to get the full 411 of your partners life. That goes the same for anyone who is in a relationship, it doesn't mean you know what is going on in someones life just because you live in the smae town as them...
But I must say my problem with long distance relationships is that for me is relationships are best dealt with in person. Especially when problems arise, back when I use to date (anti relationships) the quickest way to calm my girlfriend was by holding her in my arms and letting her know it will be okay I also believe some of the most important parts of relationships are not even said in words... Holding your partners hand while you two are sitting in the sand and watching bums beat each other at the beach... what says love more then that?
hi all! I'd like to share 3 stories: the first two are mine and the third happened with my friend.
1. 4 years ago I got acquaindanced with a blind guy from an other city, an other region of Russia... His voice, manner of talking, cleverness, views made me inloved. I was charmed, under the power of magec, I dremt about meeting him once, dedicated poems to him, shared all my secrets and problems. I thought it had been mutual... but i was wrong! Though he was the first who suggested arriving to me, he had always found reasons not to arrive... Finally, I became fed up with folse hopes and promises and... ooh i was mentally blind... then I understood that he had loved his x-girlfriend so far! now we're kind of allmost-nobody for each other, we communicate with coldness and indifference but... it seems i still feel this... something.
2. we got acquaindanced 3 years ago and became the best friends at once. I knew that he had a girl, then I helped him to find an other girl, I was happy when he was happy... and then he confessed - 'i love you!' we've met recently... he is like a twin, a brother for me but he loves me ... and i have nothing to add.
3. My friend has been communicating with a man of 40 (she is 23) for 4 years... she is crazy from Love but he keeps feeding her with promises and empty words. she is tired and ready to break. yes, for sure, distant relationships must end with a real dating, meeting, otherwise, it's waste of time. There is only one exclusion - when both are heavily disabled and can't move (totally paralized for example).
My brother met his wife on a online game in the mid 1990s and, well, they are still together now, although that is the only success I know of online.
I'm afraid, if I were single, I might not be that courageous. I use technology a lot, but would prefer meeting someone at the local watering hole or some common interest group in the community.
What if that there she turns out to be a he? Not really my thing ...
yes, certainly, now i'm sure that dating websites are the wrong place for searching 'that special one' but small towns like mine have a problem - no place to go for meeting interesting people... well, i'm an inveterated theatre-goer but, you know, there is no even a minimal possibility to date there. :)
do you think that long distance relationships work?
I agree. I live in a small town where there's nothing to do unless you like to get plastered, which personally I don't. I've never been plastered and I'm proud of it. So unfortunately online is the only way to go for me as well, and I really don't like to do that.
Being about 90 percent deaf, it's pretty hard for me to actually get out and meet people, even though I live in a big city, so I do understand.
u beleave in possible. there's allways. a way.-- i've never gave up.- i've found my true sole mate.- smiles.
Uhm, I hate to say it but that didn't make much sense. LOL.
I am coming back to say that I am pretty positive I am getting engaged to my bf who am in a long distance relationship with and am super excited. We won't be moving until marriage and trust me it is hard. Again I state they are a lot of work and if my friend had not introduced him and I even I don't think I would just meet someone on a dating site and say am in love.